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Postby chimera » Thu Oct 20, 2016 12:18 am

So, I thought I'd introduce myself before I go lurking. Just so you know who's there reading all your things.

I'm a 25ish philosophy major. Finally "settled" with that for enough time to be writing a thesis, still not sure that I really want to work with philosophy or teaching or anything like it though, haha.

At the moment I'm in a very... weird state. I haven't been this bad, identity-wise and perception-wise, since I was a teenager. Started in August when I compiled 18 pages of text about what I find most problematic in my life to turn in to my future therapist, which made me realize a lot of things, and then I read stuff, which made me realize more, and all I know now about myself is that I'm somewhere along the schizo-spectrum. So here I am.
I did actually know I'm schizo before, I had just forgot about it because I had decided not to be, so I acted like I'm not. I did Dip-Q a few years back and got high on StPD, AvPD and OCPD. OCPD is my persona I put on most of the time, so that's not really me but it's what makes me function, and I think AvPD scored high because I had a lot more social phobia back then, which is probably as resolved as it's ever going to be now. Now it's just the regular old paranoia that's problematic. : )
In regards to DSM and ICD, I think, actually, that I fulfill many if not most of the criteria on schizoid, schizotypal, paranoid, and obsessive-compulsive, except for their main-traits. Which might explain why I have never been diagnosed properly or gotten any actual help. I'm also good at talking around the issue, and leading people astray when they try to probe my inner workings. I need to stop that.

Not Dxd with anything right now except "recurrent brief depressive episodes", as far as I know. Was given Lamotrigine a month ago because I was going nuts, and then I had an allergic reaction to it so I stopped taking that, because dying slowly from that didn't seem very attractive. Been on Wellbutrin for 1½ years for melancholic depression, which is fucking awesome. Taking speed every morning is a privilege.

I think schizotypal personality (disorder) describes me pretty good. There's a lot that fits, and some that doesn't.
I get a lot of weird perceptions, especially during my worse periods like the one now. For example, a few days ago I felt as if my mind was located in space but not affected by gravity, and that my body was hanging down from it like a marionette. Sometimes I perceive in my minds eye a monster at night, whose presence gets worse the worse I feel, and even though I know it's just in my mind it freaks me out.
I cannot pinpoint who I am, or what I am, identity is something foreign, or something created. Yet I feel as if I have at least four wills pulling in different directions, but it's all drifting further away from "me". Two of those wills are spatial, they are my left and my right hand, and the left one is so much better, and I feel somewhat at home in him, but I cannot be him, and I can feel the pity in both him and me for the situation. If only we could be one, we would be great. I do not mean this in a literal manner though - I know that metaphysically I am one, but phenomenologically I am at least four.
And I cannot be present in time and space, I can only feel like I truly experience in fantasy, which still isn't enough. Or when I'm high as ****, which is something I shouldn't be too often. I cannot relax with people, I cannot stop being self-conscious and relate spontaneously. I cannot just "be".
What I don't have is that I don't have any magical thinking anymore, and my ideas of reference are only of the vague paranoid kind where I get the feeling someone did or said something that was supposed to be directed at me, or are laughing at me, or talking about me.. you know.
I think I gained a sort of ability for reality-testing a few years back, but I don't know. I like to ascribe my acquisition of that to a period five years ago, but that's also when I got obsessed with conspiracies... At least, I don't have any obviously weird beliefs now, or maybe it just appears that way because philosophers can get away with believing a lot of crazy stuff, haha.


I could go on forever, I have my mind and life neatly mapped out, and my mind is racing. But it's all gonna get obvious if I stick around and start writing, I suppose, so I'll wrap it up here. Also, I'm all up for being PMd, if that's a thing.
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chimera
 
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Re: Hi

Postby Always_Question » Wed Oct 26, 2016 4:48 pm

Welcome Chimera,

Sorry it took me a while to actually get to your intro post. I went a bit backwards there.

I had thought I had schiziod PD for a while, but I realized after a bit that it's not that I have no interest in people (I at least have some interest), but rather the discomfort when I am around people greatly outweighs almost any benefit that I might realistically receive from social interaction.

I also had kind of a mishmash of symptoms building up from childhood until about your age, and I was never diagnosed with schizotypal PD until I was 25, and then schizoaffective disorder when I was 28. Now at 30, I have like 2 or 3 main diagnoses, with bits from 2 others. Like you, I had issues with OCD, but that was more common when I was younger, but it can flare up when I am under a lot of stress. I still have serious problems with social phobia anxiety and other things though. All that saying, I can understand a bit why you had a difficult time receiving a proper diagnosis or help.

What happened when you took Lamotrigine? I also had a reaction, too. My tongue got these blister things all over it. It was very painful for a couple weeks, even after I got stuff to put on it.

I used to be on Wellbutrin as a teenager and it took care of me pretty well, I don’t remember quite what it did, though. I used Ritalin once, but that was uncomfortable. It gave me heart palpitations several times a minute. But yea, when you find a med that works, it is fucking awesome. For me, it’s clonazepam. If not for that med, I would be an alcoholic to cope with the discomfort from the mental conditions.

When you say things like you get “weird perceptions, especially during my worse periods”, what do you mean by “worse periods”? Like, for some that means a lot of anxiety, for others it’s depression, or mania, or some other thing. You don’t need to answer if you don’t want to; I ask because I want to better understand. For me, I get my worst symptoms when I feel stress for a long enough time (over weeks or months).

That sounds like what you experience with the changes in your perception can be disorienting and uncomfortable. I can’t say I have experienced things quite like that, but have had weird perceptions also. Sometimes they aren’t bad, but sometimes they can be troubling. I have had those ideas of reference, though. I don’t like those.

I think reality testing is very important. If I can’t do it myself, I ask others for help. I try to take their word for things, but it can be almost impossible when I am wrapped up in a strange idea. If a person can reality test, then sometimes they are able to keep themselves from going further into some psychotic symptoms. At least, that is what I have heard others with move severe illnesses than I have say. So, that is good that you have that ability.

It was good to read your message, thank you for sharing. I have PM’ed with others from these forums before, and if you would like to talk, shoot me a message. I don’t want you to feel obligated, though. I wanted to say something because you mentioned PMs, and in case you think PMs might be more helpful, especially on some topics.
If my post does not make sense, is too vague, or incoherent, ask for clarification if it would be helpful.

Dx's: Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizotypal PD, Boarderline traits, and Anxiety disorders
Rx: Gabapentin and Clonazepam.
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Re: Hi

Postby chimera » Thu Oct 27, 2016 2:08 pm

For me it was the opposite, I thought I could obviously not be schizoid at all because of the main trait being the disinterest in people. I long so much for people, but am close to incapable of creating any deeper contact with people, and become drained. (I am still so confused about my partner, I don't know how that happened.)

It's strange though, because I've had contact with psychiatric care since I was 13, one would think they would have figured at least something out? Hopefully my new doctor, whom I am meeting tomorrow for the first time, will be interested in sorting things out more thoroughly. I wonder though, how she would react if I propose a diagnosis, if she would take it seriously or if she would dismiss it because she thinks patients cannot have that insight.

I have actually been suspected to be bipolar sometimes though, because of the recurring depressions and a few possibly hypomanic episodes, and family members having it. Which is why I was given Lamotrigine. I think I showed "mixed" symptoms with a mostly depressive character when I was given that (I suppose I could tell you the details in private). But then the lymph nodes on my neck and in my groin started swelling, so much that it hurt on my neck, and in the evening my whole body was aching and I felt really sick but without having a fever. Swollen lymph nodes and flu-like symptoms are a sign of an allergic reaction so I met a doctor who checked my blood levels and stuff and then I stopped taking Lamotrigine after that.

And, it's absurd, when I first noticed the swollen nodes, I called the emergency psychiatric care and asked what to do, because they were the ones to prescribe the med, and the person I talked to on the phone told me not to worry because he had never heard of that being connected to Lamotrigine, but that I should still check it out since it could be an infection. I had no other signs of infection though, and it's a known sign of the body reacting to Lamotrigine. They're certainly not working hard to reduce my paranoia towards psychiatric care and doctors.

(Also, to clarify, because I see that I wasn't clear enough, it's obsessive-compulsive PD I was referring to, that I have some criteria of. But I do have like, this thing with lines though... which is kinda OCDish I suppose. But it doesn't bother me too much.)

I think I need to stop the wellbutrin though, because of side-effects that have been going on since I started. Not sure there are any other medications I would agree on.. because I don't know what there is to medicate away. It's sad the Lamotrigine fucked up because of it's being both a mood stabilizer and somewhat elevating. Other anti-epileptics seem to be better for mania.

"Worse periods" for me are just periods that are chaotic in several ways. I have a new mood every other day and sometimes I am contemplating suicide and at other times I am starting 3 new projects at once. I become erratic and more eccentric and uproot myself in different ways. Which probably helps cause the weird perceptions. I am generally more angry and irritable too.. I've called these episodes "manic" before, and they sure look like it but I think there's a lot more to it,because they don't appear out of thin air, they always follow some kind of event in my mind.

I too ask others sometimes, about weird perceptions but also about ideas I have. My roommate, who is also my best friend of 8 years, is very open minded and don't judge and always treat me as a rational being, so I can ask them about what they think about strange ideas, which helps a lot.

I might PM you, thanks!
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Re: Hi

Postby Always_Question » Sun Oct 30, 2016 3:54 pm

I also started out under psychiatric care when I was young. It started as anxiety, went to depression, then I was fine for 3 or 4 years, then started getting psychotic stuff popping up along with my old symptoms when I started really pushing myself in school. Yet, it took years for a better diagnosis to be made that included the psychotic symptoms.

Oi, that sure sounds like a miserable and scary reaction with Lamotrigine, and how the psychiatric care you were under didn't consider the medication an issue. I have had similar experiences under psychiatric care where things were neglected and I was put in danger.

Hmm, have you ever tried Protriptyline? The availability depends on where you are located, though. I have used that before. It is an antidepressant, but also stimulating. It's like taking pseudoephedrine that you might get over the counter. It can have some uncomfortable side effects though, like making it difficult to pee.

Thanks great your roommate is able to help you when you need it. It's difficult to find people who respond well to psychiatric disorders and symptoms. A lot of people have immediately distanced themselves from me when I opened up to them about my issues. I wish I knew what was going on in their head when they do that.
If my post does not make sense, is too vague, or incoherent, ask for clarification if it would be helpful.

Dx's: Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizotypal PD, Boarderline traits, and Anxiety disorders
Rx: Gabapentin and Clonazepam.
User avatar
Always_Question
 
Posts: 277
Joined: Thu Aug 01, 2013 9:14 am
Location: Texas


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