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Fear of self disclosure.

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Fear of self disclosure.

Postby cucumberofdoom » Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:40 pm

I have been thinking about my fear of self disclosure.

Sometimes it feels like there is some emotional cause behind it, something I am ashamed of, something that I feel bad about sharing or admitting. But, based on some things I have been reading, I think there is something more primitive beneath it all. A fundamental confusion and pain.

Based on something I read in Minkowski´s book, it seems the essence of these kind of problems is a lack of dynamical non-reflective interaction with the world. This sounds about right to me. I don't feel effusion for or with other people, I don't have a dynamical model of other people as they exist in relation to me or in conversation with me. I may be able to make a pretense at it but it is not really dynamic, it is like a quasistatic approximation. When I am required to make a change of gears in the way I relate to someone, I get stuck. When people´s expectations for how they want me to treat them change, they become a new person and it is like I am meeting them for the first time. I then become shy, because I am shy with new people.

This kind of thing leads to a feeling then that I am some kind of abstract being who is a bit insubstantial, or more extreme, doesn´t really exist, just a being. So interacting with the world by speaking or by making any kind of mark on it, leads to a kind of internal strife or confusion, which produces pain and is subsequently feared. Words especially create ripples, so are seen as dangerous and to be guarded.

When I was younger, I think I was more of an observer. Recently I have been stepping a bit into the world, trying to put a bit of weight on it, to see if I don´t shatter it, or myself. I dont think i will ever be good at risking involvement in other peoples lives or in sharing myself. I have been trying to learn the language of more developed human emotion. It will always be foreign to me and i suspect there will always be something missing, but who knows...
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Re: Fear of self disclosure.

Postby Sid » Fri Sep 26, 2014 10:30 pm

cucumberofdoom wrote: Sometimes it feels like there is some emotional cause behind it, something I am ashamed of, something that I feel bad about sharing or admitting. But, based on some things I have been reading, I think there is something more primitive beneath it all. A fundamental confusion and pain.


I have to admit...I am not sure about exactly what you are saying...the closest I could get was when I was in college I was reading a novel in the library and the book that I was reading contained a lot of sexual references. Whenever someone would walk past or I would think someone might be looking I would close the book quick or attempt to cover the unwelcomed words with my thumbs. This became quite distressing for me and I eventually gave up on that book and chose a different one. I will still do that to some extent. I am back in college studying to be a medical records technician and I don't want to take my books anywhere with me because there are pictures of naked people in them...I never told anyone this before. I thought I was the only one who was embarrassed by things unrelated to me. I also do that with movies. I cannot watch specific types of movies because the characters do such stupid things that I feel embarrassed and hide my face in shame. :embarassed: Why do I do these things?
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Re: Fear of self disclosure.

Postby cucumberofdoom » Sat Sep 27, 2014 10:57 am

Yes this is the kind of thing I had in mind. I would also have that problem with a book with sexual references.

More generally, I have this with reading any book in a public place. I dont like the idea of people noticing me reading such-and-such a book and inferring from it that I am such-and-such a person. It is possible that this is also a shame thing, that I am automatically thinking that anything that defines me must be shameful so hidden. Or it might be a schizotypal thing that I was talking about above. I am not sure.

The thing about movies, I think it is a kind of aquisitive projection, but aquiring negative characteristics rather than positive ones. I am forever doing that. I see someone else doing something that I would feel embarrassed about if I were in their shoes (i.e. just about anything) and I experience a feeling as if I really were in their shoes. But it doesnt have much to do with how the person is actually feeling. Thats why I say it is projection. Again, not sure why I do this.
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Re: Fear of self disclosure.

Postby Sid » Sun Sep 28, 2014 4:07 am

Are you the same way about sports teams and clothing that advertises or says something...anything? I cannot wear a t-shirt that I have that has a picture of a bear on it and says "Free Hugs." I do not want to be associated with the bear. I also do not want people hugging me because I don't like being touched. The only thing that I can wear that is loud and can have identifying marks is socks. I can wear loud socks with whatever I want printed on them and no one will ever see them through my shoes. I am also this way with bright colors. I can only wear bright colored socks. Everything else is usually either black, blue or grey. I wish I could wear all black all the time but I have issues. hahah.

Off topic...you don't have to answer if this is too personal...When someone touches you does your skin crawl and freak out? People touch me and I hate it because my skin has this reaction to it. I feel like a million bugs are crawling all over me. If I don't wash right away it spreads. Like I said if you do not want to answer I understand.
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Re: Fear of self disclosure.

Postby cucumberofdoom » Sun Sep 28, 2014 12:38 pm

I have a t-shirt with a big yellow elephant on it. Bought it years ago but never wear it. I am afraid to be associated with the elephant in spite of, or because of, the fact I quite like the elephant. These days i tend to wear bland blue and brown things.

I do not like people touching me really. It doesn´t mean the same thing for me that it means for others. I have not experienced the feeling of the bugs, or at least not in recent memory. Just a feeling like I want to escape it somehow.
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Re: Fear of self disclosure.

Postby Sid » Sun Sep 28, 2014 12:42 pm

I want to escape it too. When I lived at my mother's house she'd come over to me and play with my hair. I hated it. I never told her that. People touch me or get too close to me and I want to run away and go scrub myself. The "funny" thing about it is that it seems to be getting worse and not better.
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Re: Fear of self disclosure.

Postby immortalitylost » Wed Oct 01, 2014 1:38 pm

I completely understand everything you said in your first post. I've never read the book, but I've lived what your explaining. Here's a quote you might like.

"We die to each other daily. What we know of other people is only our memory of the moments during which we knew them. And they have changed since then. To pretend that they and we are the same is a useful and convenient social convention which must sometimes be broken. We must also remember that at every meeting we are meeting a stranger."
— T.S. Eliot (The Cocktail Party)

Sometimes I rather think I'd be better off if I could forget that at every meeting I was meeting a stranger.

I'm kind of on a T. S. Eliot kick, don't mind me.
"I learn a great deal by merely observing you, and letting you talk as long as you please, and taking note of what you do not say."
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Re: Fear of self disclosure.

Postby Sid » Wed Oct 01, 2014 3:03 pm

Immortalitylost,
Thank you for quoting a book. I love to read...although I don't get to read much now that I am in school...I do enjoy a good book. What else do you read? any favorites?

Oh...and sometimes I enjoy talking to complete strangers because they act just as clueless as they are. If I'm telling someone that I know then they are looking to find something to offend them. If I am talking randomly to a complete stranger they don't really care. They'll never see me again anyway. I will just walk up to a random person at Walmart or where ever and tell them whatever I am thinking at the moment. It beats talking to myself in public....something I try not to do unless I am home. I love to think out loud. I am rambling. -Sid
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Re: Fear of self disclosure.

Postby cucumberofdoom » Wed Oct 01, 2014 10:45 pm

immortalitylost wrote:I completely understand everything you said in your first post. I've never read the book, but I've lived what your explaining. Here's a quote you might like.

"We die to each other daily. What we know of other people is only our memory of the moments during which we knew them. And they have changed since then. To pretend that they and we are the same is a useful and convenient social convention which must sometimes be broken. We must also remember that at every meeting we are meeting a stranger."
— T.S. Eliot (The Cocktail Party)

Sometimes I rather think I'd be better off if I could forget that at every meeting I was meeting a stranger.

I'm kind of on a T. S. Eliot kick, don't mind me.


To be honest I have only read bits of Minkowskis book. I dont seem to have very good concentration for reading.

I did like the quote, thanks.

Funny thing was I had to go back and read the first post to remember what we were talking about. I guess I am a different person today than I was on friday :unsure: .
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Re: Fear of self disclosure.

Postby OnoO » Fri Oct 03, 2014 11:56 am

put (oneself) in (someone else's) place http://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/put+oneself+in+else's+shoes - that's what our little brains are not capable in real time. But if you have imagination, in quiet disclosure, when you have time enough and not stress, maybe you can repeat it and understood? Next time in the same situation you can take another step, fail again, repeat...
It's going somewhere, after some time even other people for moment will react to you naturally like you are ordinary man.
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