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Love?

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Love?

Postby Always_Question » Fri Sep 05, 2014 4:39 pm

Has anyone experienced love, or something like love? I don't even know if I believe in love.

I have been confused about whether or not I have or can experience this for years.
What do you think love is?

I was married for 5 years, and I thought that the feelings of love would eventually come, but they never did.

For a long time I mistook the feeling of relief I got when I was afraid and she provided comfort as love.
Several substances I have used give me feelings that make me think I feel love.
I often have dreams where I feel love for others much more than I have ever felt in real life, and have love reciprocated from them.

However, I don't think these things are real-life love...

:unsure: thoughts?
If my post does not make sense, is too vague, or incoherent, ask for clarification if it would be helpful.

Dx's: Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizotypal PD, Boarderline traits, and Anxiety disorders
Rx: Gabapentin and Clonazepam.
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Re: Love?

Postby Sid » Fri Sep 12, 2014 3:52 am

Hi Always_Question. I believe that love is a real thing. What I am experiencing right now in my marriage is not it at all. I believe that love can be wonderful when it is good. I think that in general I have been careless. I have given my heart to all the wrong people and that is why I am in the situation I am in now. I am still a little girl waiting for her prince to come and rescue her in a lot of ways. I still have a magical notion of what love is and how it works. This is a great way to set myself up for disappointment. The more I am hurt the less I want to search for more. I have come to a point in my life where I am tired of being emotionally stomped on. -Sid
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Re: Love?

Postby Always_Question » Sat Sep 13, 2014 11:28 pm

I was raised to where I believed in the Disney version of love. I have not experienced it and I, like you, feel a lot of disappointment. But, I still long for this kind of feeling of love. But, I don't see how I can experience this with my personality.

For now I have given up on seeking out this kind of love, and am assuming it does not exist unless I happen across it. It is far too dangerous to seek it out, and I think I would get very afraid of losing this kind of love it if I ever attained it.

Sorry if it doesn't make sense.... see my sig, haha.
If my post does not make sense, is too vague, or incoherent, ask for clarification if it would be helpful.

Dx's: Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizotypal PD, Boarderline traits, and Anxiety disorders
Rx: Gabapentin and Clonazepam.
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Re: Love?

Postby Sid » Fri Sep 19, 2014 11:30 pm

Always_Question,
I understand exactly what you mean. I have given up on my prince coming someday and rescuing me from my life. I just can't wait anymore. I feel like I have reached a point where I am tired of losing myself trying to love someone else. Everyone wants my all. I don't have anything left to give. True love is real for those of us who are not me.
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Re: Love?

Postby immortalitylost » Wed Oct 01, 2014 12:47 pm

I too have been told my idea of love is unrealistic, nigh unattainable. I think that people for the most part just have such an overwhelming need to partner off that they call love what is for the most part just hormones and loneliness. Every person that I've met who was in a relationship with their "true love", from what I witnessed was just in this confusing powerplay of who had control (who cared the least) where drama was expected, and love was to be proven by constant tests that usually involved one person hurting the other to observe their reaction and reaffirm the fact that love still existed.

If that's love, I've never had the particular affliction.

To me love is giving your self over to the total care of another and them doing the same in return. (not like physically, I'm allowing that you could still bathe clothe and feed yourself obviously... why do I feel the need to explain a metaphor everyone probably gets...) It's caring about someone completely without any thought of yourself and them doing the same. You don't purposely hurt each other because to do so would be to hurt yourself. There is no doubt of love. There are no tests. There is no petty jealousy, no question of who has the upper hand. It's a perfect partnership. It's the healthy version of codependency, because it's reciprocal.

And yeah It's probably a fantasy and unrealistic as hell, but if that could actually happen I'd call it real love.

And that is why I've never experienced it. I've seen how lightly people treat each other, how fickle they are, and what their idea of love is. Who in the world would I ever find that would live up to that, that I could trust with all of me?

I'm not ready to give up on my idea of love, because I think it's beautiful, and I want to experience it someday. I just can't actively seek out something that can cause me so much damage in the trial and error process, because I've dipped my toe in the water in the past. I got the caring about them thing down, but they never hold up their side of the bargain, and I never give all of myself. I think if I did and the inevitable happened it would destroy me. I've only got minor wounds at this point.

Ok I'm rambling. I guess that's all.
"I learn a great deal by merely observing you, and letting you talk as long as you please, and taking note of what you do not say."
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Re: Love?

Postby Always_Question » Wed Dec 10, 2014 10:57 pm

Late addition to this thread, and maybe only loosely related, but it has been on my mind again.

To me love is giving your self over to the total care of another and them doing the same in return.

I agree that this is the love I want too. It is super hard to give myself over to someone, anyone. Even the relationship I am in now suffers this problem, though she does not show much emotion either. I have tried to take the step to love her, and have told her I loved her, but she has not been able to return the words for over two years. That is the main reason I don't want to take a step closer in the relationship.

She claims she cares for me and wants to keep me around, but I don't understand why. I feel I contribute little to the relationship since I have no job, am almost always a grump, rarely agree to ***, and don't even sleep in the same bed with her, even after being with her for 4 years. I stay in my room nearly all the time.

Part of me wants to run away again. Kinda like throw the match to this part of my life and burn it up (not literally) as run off to somewhere new where I am unknown and I don't feel this disappointment and emptiness, and I can feel free to be myself. I have been hoping for an out-of-state job to support this kind of action, but there has been no success, even after 200 applications for positions in my specialty.

Kind of a sad and negative post. I have had crappy feelings today, and for most days before today :-(
If my post does not make sense, is too vague, or incoherent, ask for clarification if it would be helpful.

Dx's: Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizotypal PD, Boarderline traits, and Anxiety disorders
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Re: Love?

Postby Sid » Wed Dec 10, 2014 11:59 pm

Always_Question,
Have you ever asked your girlfriend why she loves or cares for you? Perhaps there is more to you than you see. You may not have a job but you are putting in an obvious effort to get a new job. Maybe there are other things about you that she finds attractive and loveable. You are lucky. You have someone who stands by you no matter what. That is not something everyone can claim. -Sid

PS. I am not trying to say anything weird. I do not know the details of your relationship and I am not trying to change your feelings in anyway.
Last edited by Sid on Thu Dec 11, 2014 8:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Love?

Postby Always_Question » Thu Dec 11, 2014 5:02 am

I have asked her, more than once, why she cares for me so. But I still am suspicious and worry that this care she has for me will eventually wane, even if I believe her at all. She seems to like my personality, my looks, my relative calmness compared to her previous boyfriend, and that there is no drama at all in the relationship. She does see my efforts put into finding a job, but I feel like that is not worth much until I actually get a job.

I don't understand it, and I know it is part of the disorder causing my excessive suspiciousness and stuff.

That aside, the feelings I feel for her are also odd. I don't know if it is love anymore, even if I am capable of love. I want love, but I think love is more than what I feel. When we do discuss problems in the relationship, she gets teary eyed, while I feel almost nothing. I don't think that is normal to happen (correct me if I am wrong on any of my expectations, please). Right now, she is kind of like a roommate who is a good friend who I like to flirt with, but that is the end of it, except for the rare occasions of intimacy. During those times I am usually very uncomfortable for so many reasons.

I have had such confusion on this topic for many years, so this is unlikely to be the last post from me about the issue of love.
If my post does not make sense, is too vague, or incoherent, ask for clarification if it would be helpful.

Dx's: Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizotypal PD, Boarderline traits, and Anxiety disorders
Rx: Gabapentin and Clonazepam.
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Re: Love?

Postby Goldstein » Thu Dec 18, 2014 1:01 pm

It is funny you talk about dreams. It is also the only time I really felt what I could call love.
In general wake state, I tend to feel pain instead. Or there is some pain in it anyway.

It would seem to me that part of you does not want the relationship, that is why you try and justify that the other should not love you. But really, would you even want someone you just is with you because of the amount of money you are making, or how successful you are socially? It seems to me those are issues you have with yourself, and it has nothing to do really with the actual relationship you have. I guess in the end, keeping a relationship is love, or friendship at the very least. It does not have a feeling or feeling the same about everything. If you are asking too much, then you run the risk of a self-fulfilling prophecy where you actually sabotage what you have, for something else more perfect that does not exist.
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Re: Love?

Postby Always_Question » Thu Dec 18, 2014 6:13 pm

Goldstein wrote:But really, would you even want someone you just is with you because of the amount of money you are making, or how successful you are socially? It seems to me those are issues you have with yourself, and it has nothing to do really with the actual relationship you have.

This makes sense. I am pretty unhappy with being unemployed, as I have expressed in several posts. My employment status might not be very important to her when she evaluates my worth or the worth of the relationship, whereas I place a lot of value in myself on my ability to be employed. Thanks taking the time to connect the dots that I could not and for giving me that insight.
Goldstein wrote:If you are asking too much, then you run the risk of a self-fulfilling prophecy where you actually sabotage what you have, for something else more perfect that does not exist.

I'm not sure what you mean by this, but I am going to take a stab at it; let me know if it is a hit or a miss. So, if I am thinking that love is something greater than it really is and I pursue that idea of love and expect something more than is possible, then I may be putting unnecessary strain on the relationship and possibly damaging it. If that happens, I may lose the closest thing I currently have to love (or, honestly, the closest thing I may ever have to love). Am I interpreting what you said correctly?
If my post does not make sense, is too vague, or incoherent, ask for clarification if it would be helpful.

Dx's: Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizotypal PD, Boarderline traits, and Anxiety disorders
Rx: Gabapentin and Clonazepam.
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