Schizotypal Forum

I have been in 3 longer relationships(over 2 years long). Two of them ended because of my insanity, I left because I couldnt stand the truth of my boyfriends being the way I wnated in my own world them to be.
I also began the next relationship before the previous had ended. Same way i began with the man I have been with almost 7 years now. It has been a lot of ups and downs. But I stil think because we met when I was in psychosis, he pulled me back so that I didn't get sicker. He has his own problems, we both dislike being among crowds, but I am more social trough chats etc. He seems to accept my insanity which he said he saw the very first night we met. He also says it is in a way good thing I am not like others. He wants me to try to survive in life and has helped me a lot. Still sometimes I am bothered that he is around and I wont get my me-time. It annoys me because I don't find courage to say that I want to be by myself now to read or something. He has told me that all I need to do is say. But it has always been difficult for me to open my mouth.
Relationships can help. But also they may cause feeling of choking..

That's pretty scary. I've been with my girl for 7 years too, although maybe it's just six and a few months... anyways, any time I felt like she was crowding me, pressing to hard against my mind, ect. I'd just supress it. She intentionally crowds me, though. Only infrequently does she ask if she's bothering me and I'm not getting my me time. I've been supressing the panic of another person around me so long that I try to convince myself it doesn't matter. But what bugs me is you say you've started other relationships before you broke up with the first. You cheated on him, i guess. Recently my magical thoughts have all run the line of this desire to cheat on my girlfriend, find someone more like me (in my insanity it has something to do with finding another "real" person, someone who can help me heal my "astral body". Of course once i get sane again none of this makes any sense.) Oddly, i'm trying to somehow "call" a being into me, maybe try to get possessed or something. All I know is that it seems like a metaphor for my brain telling me I'm just bored in my relationship (my life) and that I'd drop her and go after anyone else who shows up. This is dispicable, I know, but i'm making excuses about it due to the ever present nature of time, destiny, pointlessness and meaningless of life. A vague notion want's me to be in a polygynus relationship (probably something to do with my Mormon upbringing [that systemic indoctrination and brainwashing is does wonders for StPD, by the way] but this has nothing to do with sex or spiritualism, it's just a realization that "love" doesn't help me when I'm crazy and I'm looking for something similar to fill a void that has no name.) I don't care if it's me, my girlfriend and a boy she likes or a girl she likes- i'm convinced sex doesn't mean anything to me. So what does it matter if it's a boy or girl or Eldrich Abomination? I hope the feeling goes away and I don't end up doing something stupid and mundane like trying to convince some poor girl I meet to an affair because I beleive she's the decendant of the Virgin Mary or something, the ploy probably won't work and somehow my girlfriend will hear about it and end up dumping me. Witch she should I suppose. But so far I've resisted the insanity. It hasn't made me do anything yet, and I'm slowly feeling better. I am worried that as Schizotypals we have low affect and can't maintain a relationship and in the off chance we meet someone who doesn't mind our low affect we eventually get bored and move on. I wonder if i'm just delaying the inevitable.

I've been in one for 18 months.

I want this relationship and I like this person, but when I am alone I get scared and think about running away from it.

It has its ups and downs. It's actually my first intimate relationship (ever) and it's been on and off and all over the place, all due to me and my issues and health, etc. My partner accepts me and loves me for who I am but I really get on his nerves sometimes with the beliefs I hold very strongly, that seem irrational and strange. Communication can be a pretty frustrating too, for both parties. We seem to 'get' each other rather well though, so communication could be worse. Misinterpretation is a big one for me and emotional connection.

I was married for 19 years. never had any kids. that destroyed me. She threatened me with a weapon I left.

Misinterpretation and misunderstanding are key elements in my life and I hate them!

I know I'm a bad person. Sometimes I feel that I'm a Succubus. A real one but there are real and its the paintings that are mistaken. Forgive me, I never had much in the way of therapy and I refuse to take meds, so I have a lot of trouble verbalizing my thoughts and feelings. But I guess laying down the tangle is.. therapeutic? Its hard for me, I've never truly said these things to anyone besides 1-2 docs so here goes!

I've been in a relationship on/off since I was 19. He's more family then a lover, I guess that's why I don't mind him being around. But I noticed that over the years he's gotten a lot worse and unhappy and lazy and depressed. Like I've been sucking the life out of him. Maybe I should move on before I kill him, but as bad as I know I am, I kind of can't *feel* for him. I just observe and rationalize.

I really want a soul mate, too. so I collect, sift through, searching ... ahem. Paramours. of course he doesn't know. but I can't help it. I know they are in love with me and I take them and they don't say no. I guess I substitute sex for emotional intimacy which makes me pretty vulnerable. Its to the point where I know when I fantasize about my other 'friends' that they are at the same time (the cause of my fantasizing or the affect of it) thinking the same very detailed thoughts about me remotely. I want them so badly... but I throw them away. *sigh* I understand that rationally they're just using me temporarily for nocturnal kicks. It seems impossible to get a real emotional connection with another person without either or both parties being destroyed. Does this make sense?!

Wow, it took me an hour to write this. I removed a lot out of shame and for the sake of brevity.