Schizotypal Forum

I just thought I could get some input on myself here - I know I should talk to a therapist but due to lack of money, usual therapist won't ever get off the topic of depression and I have a feeling they just want my money not figure out what’s wrong with me/help me but that's free/cheap help for you. I know I do get depressed and I won't deny that, it's just it seems like there is an underlying problem that feeds it and I wonder sometimes if its Shizotypal or Borderline, I am quick to anger now and then, usually because I don't ever feel understood, I have self injured in the past, I have sleep problems, I don't fit in well, I don't get on with other people well, I am very introverted and I love my alone time.

Some of this is going to be hard to admit now: I am nervous of loud sounds, I hate when people walk behind me I feel as if I am getting chased, when people talk laugh or look at me I feel like they are talking about me and even I know that feeling is unreasonable to an extent. I always feel like people have a staring problem when it comes to me, it has gotten so bad in the past few years and I wonder if it's just me, how I dress or how short I am etc, I have taken up staring back at them until they look away, it was hard at first but after awhile it made me feel better.

When I sleep I hate being touched, my clothes drive me nuts, my S.O drives me nuts, the blankets drive me nuts. It makes it feel as if it is hard to breathe. This happens during the day sometimes as well, but mostly in my sleep. I have been known to punch/kick my s.o in my sleep without knowing it until the morning because they tried to hug me.

Sometimes I just want to live in the world in my head, I have created or found a world there that makes me feel better I have had this since I was a child and it is on and off. When I got really suicidal I used to almost feel like I would go to that place in my head, I just wanted to drift into it and live there and waste away this physical body of mine. I drift off into this world if things get shitty, I use it to replace people, or I have it so I feel I don’t need people I am unsure of which.

Now and then I feel like if people get to close to me they will consume me, I have very rarely thought people were actually going to kill me, but brushed it off. In the dark I get paranoid that their are creatures, they will grab me and eat me, I have flashes and sometimes see shadows but that is rare, many times I have woken up my s.o and yelled and told them to turn on a light or if the blankets are off it will get me. Other times I am fine with the lights off. I have heard voices rarely; I always hear my own voice in my head, that is how I think, but that is normal right? I hear voices outside of my head but they seem distant and jumbled or just someone calling my name and it’s not. I feel like that is probably normal for most people though, from what people tell me.

I always thought I was a weird person, ever since I was a child – I like myself though, I just wish I got on better in the world, I can’t hold a job and I dropped out of college because I though everyone was out to get me there. I went to school for art and I was disappointed in myself again because I didn’t fit in and people drove me nuts. I feel like I could take my S.O and hide out and drop out of the real world, I wish I could but I know I can’t give up, even though I would like to on occasion.

Oh yeah, since this isn’t really well put together I might as well throw in it is hard as hell for me to stay on subject and not drift off or get sidetracked, lol.
Thank you anyone who actually took the time to read this mess, I just wanted to get it off my chest and ask if this sounds like I should look into it or not, I don’t like dropping labels on myself but this is consuming my life, if I keep going like this I feel I will be a complete hermit incapable of doing anything productive.

Thanks and Hi - Sink

Hi,
A therapist would be best suited to diagnose you, but I have issues with paranoia, people understanding me and being touched while sleeping.

Sink wrote: this is consuming my life, if I keep going like this I feel I will be a complete hermit incapable of doing anything productive.

You ask whether it's something you should look into. Based on what you wrote, and particularly that last sentence, I really think you should find a pdoc (psychiatrist). I also think it's plausible that you have either borderline or schizotypal, but it could also be symptoms of other disorders. You won't know for sure until you you see a pdoc.
Schizotypal disorder and borderline are both treatable with the right therapy and maybe medication.