Schizotypal Forum

Greetings everyone,
I am a female at my 30's. All my life has been constant roller coaster. When I was in pre-school my troubles began to develope, I didn't get along well with other kids. I often went in some corner to hug myself in somekind of angry state of mind. All the noise and smells and things like that were too much for me. It made me behave oddly compared to other children. I also was very clumsy and was always falling down. So other kids began to avoid me. At school my problems got worse. I was very bad at writing skills, I held the pen too hard and the writing was unclear. Because teachers were how they were at the time, they yelled at me about my bad handwriting. Same problems were with the needlecraft. It was almost impossible for me. These coordination problems and sense problems were notified by other children. So they began to bully me.
I began to isolate myself from this world. I loved to play alone in the forests being one with nature, which loved me as the way I was. Only in nature I felt like home. I wanted to wipe all the stupid people out of my life and just have a house in the middle of forest.
During the years of bullying and mental and physical violence from my parents I grew to think I was something that should be either removed or live on another plane of existence or another time. I didn't fit in no matter how hard I tried. That made me paranoid.I think it is odd that they think you paranoid if you know someone talks behind back, even though it is a common habit? No of course they don't talk about me, just all the others who are absent..LOL They do talk more if I can't behave correctly compared to normal standars because the understanding of hints and tips lack. I once heard one co-worker say to another that I am odd. At this work place I tried to be as normal as I could. So no matter how hard I try I can't keep up with people and that is why I can't be in one job but about a month or two.
I have been rolling around in mental health for about 10 years. At first they treated depression. I knew there was something else wrong with me, because my life has not gone even near compared to most people.
I dont have much job experience, two of my educations have been interrupted, I don't have kids. I still feel myself completely alien from society, I am very childish in matters of responsibility, could compare myself to a hobbit.I am curious of new things, but can't stand other people. I just want to be by myself doing my daily routines and some silly art. But then one tiny bit of me wants so badly to be like others and be accepted.
So I myself looked from internet for the explanation. I came close to Schizotypal and Borderline back then in a test. I began to study Borderline and found it almost fitting. I was using alcohol hard those days.
I was more social in situations were alcohol was available, but between I had no social contacts much, i felt fear facing other people, at the time I was deeply paranoid thinking some people will come and take me to jail. Social anxiety was my reason to begin to drink in the first place around 14.
So for years I thought I just have BPD. Then I made my most stupid acts and decided to stop drinking. Soon I began to realize that my anxiety with people got worse and worse. I also began to pull my self out of social contacts. I have become much more like I was before I began drinking. I have always had difficulty to know what I should wear, how I should behave etc. Knowing it makes me even more anxious because I think what people think when they see me dressed like a clown. I began to think I might also have something else and thought it to be ADD. I went trough neuropsychological tests and there was no sign of anything like ADD or Asperger's Syndrome. So the other day I was hearing the doc about what is causing my problems troughtout my whole life and she said that I have Schizotypal Personality Disorder. I have not read much about it earlier just thinking that it is all about the magical thinking thing. I have quite scientic view on many things, even magical ones. The doc said it had been diagnosed earlier, but no one ever told me about it though. They only talked about BPD. I guess I have both of them and it makes life very difficult.

Thank you for reading this jumping text.
Riganna

Hello Riganna, welcome to the forum!

Hi and welcome,

I read this now twice and I was wondering if you have ever heard of a syndrome called Dyspraxia. Seems to fit with your co-ordination problems.

I know a young girl of 22 she has this, causes her a lot of grief...here is a link..
http://www.dyspraxiafoundation.org.uk/s ... mptoms.php
Obviously people can differ in their severity..